How to praise your child the right way
Praise children correctly: "you are smart" vs. "well done"
TL;DR
How we praise children affects their self-belief. Carol Dweck’s research shows that praise for effort ("you worked hard") promotes a growth mindset, while praise for abilities ("you are so smart") can make children avoid challenges.
"You’re so talented!" It slips out easily and is meant kindly. But research on how praise works has surprised many parents: Praise that focuses on the child’s abilities can actually make the child more vulnerable to setbacks. While praise that highlights the child’s effort builds resilience.
This doesn’t mean you should stop praising — quite the opposite. It’s about what you praise. This guide reviews Carol Dweck’s groundbreaking research on growth mindset and gives you concrete examples of what to say instead of what comes naturally.
Carol Dweck’s research in a nutshell
In a famous experiment, children praised for effort performed significantly better in subsequent challenges than children praised for being smart.
Psychologist Carol Dweck at Stanford conducted a series of experiments in the 1990s that are now classics. Children solved a task and were then praised either for their intelligence ("you must be really smart") or for their effort ("you must have worked hard"). The difference was dramatic: The effort-praised children more often chose harder tasks, persisted longer through challenges, and performed better — while the ability-praised children avoided challenges for fear of "revealing" they might not be so smart after all. The research is widely referenced by, among others, the National Library of Medicine.
Fixed vs. growth mindset
A fixed mindset sees abilities as innate and unchangeable; a growth mindset sees them as something developed through effort. The way we praise pushes children in one direction or the other.
When we praise abilities, we unconsciously send the message: "You either have it or you don't." This is a fixed mindset. The child may start to think that if they have to try hard, maybe they’re not really smart — so it’s better not to try the difficult things. When we instead praise effort, strategy, and progress, the child learns that abilities grow with work. This is a growth mindset, and it is associated with greater perseverance and joy in learning.
What you can say instead
It takes some practice to change the way you praise. Here are concrete examples:
- Instead of "you are so smart" → "you kept going even though it was hard"
- Instead of "nice drawing" → "I can see you used many colors — tell me about it"
- Instead of "you are a math genius" → "the way you figured that out was smart"
- Instead of "perfect!" → "you practiced, and now you can do it"
Praise effort — even when the result fails
Growth mindset is also about acknowledging effort when it didn’t succeed. "You worked hard, let’s figure out what went wrong" is more valuable than silence or comfort alone.
The real test comes when the child fails. Here it is tempting either to comfort ("it's okay") or to stay silent. But a growth approach acknowledges effort and looks forward: "You tried hard. What can we try differently next time?" This way the child learns that mistakes are part of learning — not proof of lack of ability. The Danish Health Authority highlights the child's belief in their own mastery as central to well-being.
Can you praise too much?
Yes. Constant and excessive praise can lose its value and even create pressure — especially if the child feels they constantly have to perform to earn recognition. Research also suggests that excessive praise for children with low self-esteem can backfire. The point is not to praise more, but to praise specifically and genuinely.
Descriptive recognition — "you put all the blocks back in the box" — often works stronger than a generic "clever!" because it tells the child exactly what they did well. It is a form of attention that builds both skill and self-esteem.
The way we praise is one of the most accessible tools we have as parents. By shifting focus from abilities to effort, strategy, and progress, you help your child develop resilience, courage to face challenges, and joy in learning.
This applies at school, in sports, and in the kitchen when the child cooks for the first time and is proud of the result. If you want more concrete tools for everyday interaction with your child, check out our inspiration blog.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is it bad to say "you are so smart" to my child?
It is not harmful occasionally, but if ability-praise becomes dominant, it can promote a fixed mindset. Rather praise effort, strategy, and progress.
What is a growth mindset?
It is the belief that abilities can be developed through effort and practice, as opposed to a fixed mindset, where abilities are seen as innate and unchangeable.
How do I praise when my child fails?
Acknowledge the effort and look ahead: "You tried hard. What can we try differently next time?" This teaches the child that mistakes are a natural part of learning.
Can you praise a child too much?
Yes. Excessive and generic praise can lose value and create performance pressure. Specific, genuine, and descriptive recognition works better than constant "clever!".
What is better than saying "clever"?
Describe specifically what the child did: "You kept going even though it was hard" or "you put all the blocks away." This tells the child exactly what succeeded.